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As I sat on the plane I answered all those questions, I wrote them down, so I could go back to them later, and see if I had achieved my goal, of getting Darren back, for those reasons.
When I arrived in San Francisco I hailed a cab and gave the driver Darren’s address.
I began to get scared at this point, I knew Leonie would most probably be there. What would she say? What would she do? Would she even let me in? Would she scream? What would she do?
While I was thinking about this I arrived outside Darren’s house, and the cab stopped. When I came back to reality I realised that the driver was staring at me. I paid the fair and climbed out.
I looked up at Darren’s house. It hadn’t changed much, the car parked outside was different, but that was about it. But then I began to think again. Who did it belong to? Was it his girlfriend? No that was stupid, especially after that letter. No, he wouldn’t have a girlfriend. What about a boyfriend? That was plausible.
I walked up to the front door and pushed the bell. I could hear it ringing. I knew he was in, there was a car outside, and he was on a well-documented break.
I could hear footsteps, coming closer, closer, the door began to open.
Darren.
He was still beautiful. His blonde hair, longer than the last time I had seen him, wavy, framing his beautiful face. Those eyes, questioning.
“Hi” I said, in a small voice, suddenly I wasn’t scared anymore, I was terrified.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, in a similarly small voice.
“Coming to see you”
“Why?”
“I got your letter Darren. I was worried about you. You sounded upset, hurt, like you might do something silly.”
“I am. To you. How long do you think I have been waiting for you to contact me, to return my letters, to phone me back, to email me? You have no idea about how the hell I have been feeling. You can’t just walk back into my life Daniel. It’s not going to work this time. No way” he yelled
“What letters? What emails? What phone calls? I have only ever got one letter from you and that was this one.” I showed him the letter
“That was the last one I sent”
We were inside now.
“It’s the only one I’ve got.” I told him. It was the truth. It was the only letter, or any other form of contact I had ever received from Darren in over 2 years.
“Well, I’ve sent hundreds, I gave them to Leo to, to, wait until I get my hands on her!” he finished by yelling, again.
“But what about you phone calls? How have I never got a message, or anything”
“What about your girlfriend, the people at the office, how often is it that you answer your own phone Daniel?”
I paused, he had a point, I hardly ever answered the phone myself, most of the time it would go through someone else or the machine would pick it up.
“Well?” he asked, impatiently
“Not very often” I answered, quietlY
“Right, now email, how the hell have you not got my emails?”
“What address have you got?” I asked, I frequently changed addresses, he’d probably not have the right one
He spieled off some email address I’d have 3 years before, which had long since disappeared of the face of the cyber planet, and I shook my head.
“So, what were all your letters, emails and phone calls to tell me?” I asked
He stopped, it had been easy for him up until now, now he’d have to tell me straight, did he still love me, was he dying, what was going on in his life?
“I love you,” he said, so quietly I could barely hear
“What?” I asked, as calmly as possible. We’d done all this once before, years ago, I never thought I’d been doing this all over again.
I think most people would expect me to welcome him back, I mean I knew how he felt already, but somewhere it didn’t make sense. We’d spilt up, over, finished. I knew he didn’t want it to end, but we knew what was best, and now we’re back in the same situation. Where do we stand?
“I love you Daniel, you know I do, I always have and I always will”
I knew that. I knew what he was going to say, so why then did I come? I have no idea, but as soon as he said those words I quickly got up off the sofa and walked back towards the front door. Even though I had my back to him I could see Darren’s face falling like a rock. I could see the tears building up in his eyes. I’d come to make everything better and made it all worse.
I walked outside and sat down on the lawn outside the house, curled my legs up towards my chest, put my head on my knees, and began to cry.
I’d lost my girlfriend of 4 years and lost my only true best friend and soul mate within the space of less than an hour.
Now what was I going to do?
I don’t know how long I sat there for but soon I heard footsteps, coming up the driveway. I looked up.
Leonie and Darren’s dog.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, like I was some piece of gum on the bottom of her shoe.
“Sitting on the lawn” I answered
“I mean it Daniel, what the hell are you doing here. If you dare break Darren’s heart again, I’m going to hit you so hard your face will be totally unrecognisable”
I stared at her
“So Daniel what are you doing here?”
“I got a letter from Darren and decided I’d visit”
“How? I mean you weren’t supposed to read those?”
“And why not. Darren addressed the letters all to me, yet I only get the one he posted himself? Why leonie?”
“Because you’d only break his heart again. You have no idea what you did to Darren last time you left, you have no idea how long it took me to get him to open up, to talk, to get over you. I do not what to have to do it again”
Darren must have heard our yelling because the next thing I know he’s walking down his driveway, tears rolling quickly down his checks, shoulders shaking. He took the dog off of Leonie and walked calmly back to the house, shutting the door behind him.
As soon as the door closed Leonie ran up to it, kicking it and screaming at Darren to let her in.
He did nothing and I don’t blame him.
After about half an hour, Leonie had calmed down and was now sat on the doorstep, staring at the door. Suddenly a note fell from the letterbox.
Leonie snatched it before I could read it but I knew it had my name on it.
When, after a few minutes of me yelling at her, she gave me the note and I got chance to read it. I began to cry again. What the hell had I done?
I cried. I knew how hard it was for Darren to write that letter the ink was smudged slightly by the amount of tears spilt on it. Darren’s tears. I just wanted to make them all go away, stop him from ever crying again, but I knew he’d never let me, not now.
Another letter fell from the letterbox, this time for Leonie. She skim read it and walked back down the driveway, back to her home.
I, however, didn’t move. I couldn’t, if I left now I would never know if Darren would accept me back, or if I’d caused him too much pain.
I sat down on the doorstep and waited. I didn’t knock on the door, I knew Darren wouldn’t answer if I did. I just sat there, crying silent tears, eventually though the tears stopped and I sat quietly on the step, waiting.
After a few hours I had lost all feeling from the waist down, I couldn’t move.
Slowly the door opened, reveling a bedraggled looking Darren, his hair stuck up at odd angles, his checks tearstained, shoulders still shaking from tearless crying.
“Why are you still here?” he asked quietly
“I couldn’t leave you Darren” I answered, “I’m sorry about what happened last time, I really am. I’m sorry about how I reacted this morning, I don’t know why I acted the way I did, but I’m so sorry. Darren I can see how much I’ve hurt you, and I don’t want to let that happen again, I can’t leave now, not with you like this.”
He took my hand, leading me inside. We sat down on the sofa and Darren collapsed, exhausted in my arms.
I sat stroking his hair, trying to make it go back to how it should look, I had no luck.
Sometime later he began to stir. As he woke he cuddled closer to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. I couldn’t have left even if I had wanted to. But I didn’t want to go anywhere anyway.
Slowly he raised his beautiful blonde head and gently pressed his lips to mine for the first time in 3 years.
“I love you” he whispered
“I love you too” I replied, and I meant it with all my heart.
©2004 HWilks Savagewriting